I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says,
"Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

For a while I didn't have a car ... I had a helicopter ... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child . . . eventually.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

What's another word for Thesaurus?