Steven Wright
What is the speed of dark?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Where are Preparations A through G?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
My school colors were "clear".
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said,"No". She said, "Okay, then forget it."
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot....
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
What a nice night for an evening.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
